Refuge

The first thing I noticed about this girl was her eyes. Herman Melville once said "The eyes are the gateway to the soul," and I believe that. A person's eyes can tell you so much more than they will in words. This child's eyes are guarded. They are wide and open, but not receiving. They are distant. Questioning. Scared. Mistrusting.

I am closed off. I am guarded. I am mistrusting. I find that day by day I shun the world just a little bit more. I learned early on that the world can be cruel, and thus I only let a few in.

There have been a couple times in my life where I have chosen to let someone in, to show who I really am. Sometimes I am rewarded with mutual trust and respect, but sometimes I am left in the cold and the dark, stripped and bleeding.

I don't like to be vulnerable. I don't like wearing my heart on my sleeve. Instead, I make myself invisible. And when people see me, I am surprised. I let them in because they have caught me. They have looked for me and have found me, but do they like who I am?

But back to the picture.

What does it mean to me?

It reminds me of the fact that even though I will be 21 in a month, I am still a child of God. I am to rely on God for strength and protection, for providence, for love. I am to be vulnerable. I am to be completely open, my soul unguarded and laid bare for him to see and heal.

But I cannot always reconcile myself to him. I try to hide myself from him. I try to fight him. I throw a tantrum.

But it leaves me unfulfilled, and I am forced by my own actions to realize that I need to depend on God. He is the only one who can save me, the only one who will not fail me. I may not understand his will, but I know that he loves me and that he does what is best for me.

I am a child of God. And no child can survive on her own.

For "you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit himself testifies that with our spirit that we are God's children," [Romans 8:15-16, NIV].

Sometimes the right path is directly in front of you, yet you can't allow yourself to see it. Fear keeps you back, or arrogance, or anger. But I know that the right thing for me is to follow God.

I need to know what it is like to be a child again.

There is one more thing that I noticed about this picture, and that is her nose. If you look closely, you can see that it is runny and dirty. I find that so beautiful because even if a person has shunned everyone away, she still cannot take care of herself. She needs someone stronger than her to simply hold her and wipe her nose for her.

For all her stone coldness, she is still human and in need of love.

Sonicflood, My Refuge:

I take my refuge in the palm of Your hand
I take my comfort in Your perfect plan
I take my sorrow and lay it down at Your feet
I take my refuge where I can be free
When there's no where to turn
And there's nothing that's true
I find my peace here in You
I take my shelter in the shade of Your wings
I take my pleasure in the hope that You bring
I take my weakness to the foot of the cross
I take my refuge where I can get lost
In You, Oh Lord

Question

Question posed by one student in class today:

Why are humans punished eternally for sins committed in a temporary world?

And I can't come up with an answer. I mean, really, why are our mortal actions counted against us? I get it, I mean, I get "why," but I can't put into words.

Something to ponder and muse over for awhile.

Deliver Me

Going to chapel 3x a week might get annoying after awhile, but today's chapel was really special, especially in light of what's been happening in Virginia.
We sang this song, and I love it so much so I thought I'd share the lyrics with you.

This is "Deliver Me" by David Crowder Band (or Sarah Brightman, if you prefer):

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing

Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

---//---

"I Will Wait" by Jason Upton:

I will wait for you, Jesus
You're the sun in my horizon
All my hopes in you, Jesus
I can see you now arising

There's a wall that stands in front of me
That I know I just can't climb
And like an eagle you will carry me
Its just a matter of the time

I will wait for you, Jesus
You're the son in my horizon
All my hopes in you, Jesus
I can see you now arising

Evil armies all around me
I believe in the word that promises me
So I will wait another day

I will wait for you, Jesus
You're the son in my horizon
All my hopes in you, Jesus
I can see you now arising

I will wait for you
Oh I will wait for you

Oh the doubt may try to come in
The disillusions may try to come in
I believe oh Lord
In the word that you promised
I believe it will not end
I believe it will not go

I will wait for you, Jesus
You're the son in my horizon
All my hopes in you, Jesus
I can see you now arising

---//---

In other news, tomorrow morning bright and early I will be flying to Virginia. Yesterday morning my great-grandmother passed away. My father flew back from Kz this afternoon for the funeral. At first I wasn't going to go, but then one of my family members offered to pay for my plane ticket.
Please keep me and my family in your prayers. Also, please pray I can get this Bible paper done. It's due Tuesday, and I get back to MO late Monday night.

It's a Bittersweet Life...

Thank God I am an English major. Thank God that He has given me artistic desires. I do not understand scientists and mathematicians, who think of the world solely in formulas and numbers. That might be a generalization, and I'm sorry, but I'm just not created that way.

I see God in the arts. In words, in music, in paint, in theater and film.

I see God in nature, and He overwhelms my soul. I can only pour out His love and beauty through words. That is my gift and talent. Sometimes what I feel is so strong and fierce that I can't even find the words to make myself understood.

Tonight, I was moved by music.

Music. I love music. I love the words, the notes that swell with every beat of my heart and every breath of my lungs.

I love concerts, when you can feel the bass from your chest to your toes, and you simply stop existing. You become something more, something bigger than yourself. You become connected to the band on stage, the crowd around you, everyone.

It doesn't have to be a "Christian" band. It doesn't even have to be a "happy" song. Music just makes sense. It soothes and heals, and at the same time it rips open old wounds because even pain and sadness can help you find God.

There's beauty in music. There's creativity. And there is God.

And this is why I sing.

I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
before the “gods” I will sing your praise…
May all the kings of the earth praise you,
O LORD,
when they hear the words of your mouth.
May they sing of the ways of the LORD,
for the glory of the Lord is great.
[Psalm 138:1,4-5]

Praise the LORD.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.
I will praise the LORD all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I
live.
[Psalm 146-1-2]

Praise the LORD…
…Let them praise the name of the LORD,
for he commanded and they were created….
…Praise the LORD from the earth, you…
…kings of the earth and all nations,
you princes and all the rulers on earth,
young men and maidens,
old men and children.
Let them praise the name of the LORD,
for his name alone is exalted;
his splendor is above the earth and the
heavens.
He has raised up for his people a horn,
the praise of all his saints,
of Israel, the people close to his heart.
Praise the LORD.
[Psalm 148:1, 5, 7a, 11-14]

Day and night they never stop saying:
“Holy, holy, holy
is the Lord God Almighty,
who was, and is, and is to come.”
[Revelation 5:8]

David, wearing a linen ephod, danced for the LORD with all his might, while he and the entire house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouts and the sound of trumpets…
Michal…said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!”
David said to Michal… “I will become even more undignified than his, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.”
[2 Samuel 6:14, 16, 20-22]

Powerful music [at least for me]:

• My Favorite Highway, How To Call a Bluff
• Pretty much anything by Tenth Avenue North: Gentle Whisper, Apathetic, Beloved, Holy is Our Lord, Bless the Lord
• Anberlin, Paper Thin Hymn, Godspeed, Adelaide, The Unwinding Cable Car, Hello Alone, Dismantle. Repair.
• The Arcade Fire, Rebellion (Lies)
• Relient K, Devastation and Reform, Deathbed, Softer to Me, I am Understood?
• Saosin, Voices
• Jeremy Camp, Beyond Measure, Walk By Faith, Restored, Even When
• The Calling, Stigmatized
• Skillet, The Last Nights, The Older I Get
• Mae, Someone Else's Arms, The Everglow, The Sun and the Moon
• Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars, Open Your Eyes
• Fall Out Boy, Golden, Hum Hallelujah, Don't You Know Who I Think I am?
• Hillsong United, All I Need is You, From the Inside Out
• Jars of Clay, Frail, Much Afraid
• anything by Bright Eyes
• Rockstar Supernova, Headspin

And so much more...

lust for life

Random whiny thoughts on everyone's favorite topic: love.

TV shows. Movies. Books. French class. Ecclesiastes/Song of Songs class. Chapel. Church. Spring Fling. My mother.

It seems like no matter where I go I am bombarded with this world view that happy, socially well-adjusted people should be in some sort of relationship.

[I swear, if I have to listen to one more guest speaker in chapel talk about how he/she found his/her spouse on his/her second day of freshman year, I am going to storm out of the chapel and puke in the Ladies' room.]

When I was a kid, I thought there was a formula to life. You were born, you went to primary and secondary school, went to college, got a job, got married, and had 2.5 children. That was the recipe for the normal life.

But that was when I was a kid. I still held on to that hope as I got older, but more in the same way that people set aside cookies and milk on Christmas Eve--we don't believe in Santa Clause because we are much to rational than that, but if there is the slightest chance that he might exist, we want in on the action.

I know now that life does not, as one friend put it so eloquently, follow Plan A. However, Plan B can be nice. She was talking about her relationship with her bf, but the same could be said about just life in general.

I am single.

And I'm okay with being single. I mean, it's not always the greatest gig in the world, especially when you are surrounded by hormone raging college students who are pairing up with everyone but you, but I'm not miserable. I am not. I am quite content with my situation.

Still, I would not be opposed to negotiation about my facebook status.

There's a line from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice that I've been thinking about lately:
"A girl likes to get crossed in love. It gives her something to think about."

My life's been nothing but school and seriousness. I wouldn't mind some light-hearted distraction.

But life goes on, and at the moment I am content.

So to all those concerned with my lack of middle school drama in life, it's quite alright. And to those who think it would be a good idea to set me up with that random single guy friend you might have...for the love of God and all that is holy, DON'T! I hate blind dates. I'd rather pay a visit to e-harmony...and I loathe internet dating sites.

Love

This post is in response to one written by Stephen Christian. You may or may not have heard about him. He’s just some guy in a band called Anberlin…

We are told that we live in a progressive, politically correct world. Bull. The self-proclaimed "tolerants" are intolerant of anyone who does not believe in their version of tolerance. Point this out to "them" and they deny it. Confront them on their beliefs and they scream "intolerant" and you end up looking like the bad guy...even if you were calling them out on their own prejudices. They become the very people that they are trying to fight against.

Jesus told us to respond in love to our enemies. He told us to “turn the other cheek.” That is one of the hardest things to do. Hate is easy because we like it. It gives us power and pride. We can take hatred and we can manipulate it for revenge. At least, we think we are manipulating it, but really, Hate controls us.

We look at those who love and we laugh at them. We call them weak because they remain quiet when we insult them. They don’t fight back, even when we’ve beaten them beyond recognition. But what Hate does not understand is that Love receives a far greater power when it humbles itself. Humility is not weakness, it is strength. Love is not cowardice but courage in the face of Fear and Danger. Love is trust. Love is the person who willingly says that she will forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive the one who hurts her.

CS Lewis wrote a book called The Four Loves. In it, he writes
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness...it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

Which would you rather have? A heart ripped to shreds and bleeding, or a heart stone cold and just as hard? One is dying, the other is already dead.

“You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.”
V for Vendetta

On the Good Ship Lollypop

Went to the sunrise service with Jess, Sarah, and Laura. Cold. Very very cold.
Went for MickeyD's breakfast and crappy coffee afterwards.
Came back and tried to stay awake but sadly even the multiple cups of coffee I had (good and crappy) could not keep me awake and thus I fell asleep and missed out on Nakato's for lunch.
Woke up sometime after noon and watched many many Shirley Temple movies as AMC was having a Shirley marathon.
Very pretty weather yesterday, but today is sucky again.
I could so bitch about so much right now but instead I am going to keep it all in, deep within me, until one day I snap and take everyone out a la Charlie's Angels.
Class in 20 minutes. Egads! So don't want to go today. Do not want to talk about Milton. Do not want to talk about Children's Literature.
ugh.

I hate the French

One good thing about going to a private Christian university is that we get a 3 day weekend for Easter. The bad thing is that I am so frickin' bored.

For example, here's a boring recount of my day yesterday (Good Friday):

• I slept until 12:30 in the afternoon. It was pretty much wonderful. I was awoken by my cell phone ringing which I did not answer in time. However, I did not realize this and so continued to shout "Hello? HELLO?" to absolutely no one until it finally clicked in my dumb blonde brain what I had done. Turns out it was my parents calling from overseas. My dad left a voicemail that I could barely understand because he was trying to sound like Harry Caray (or rather, Will Ferrell as Harry Caray) and he kept laughing at himself.
• Took a shower.
• Ate a burrito for lunch.
• Ate some Easter candy because I only thought about giving chocolate up for Lent and never actually went through with it.
• (Legally) downloaded music.
• Decided to reread Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
• Decided not to reread Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince before I got done with the first chapter.
• Got a call from Danae asking if she could come hang out with me.
• Waited for Danae and cleaned my room.
• Got another call from Danae saying that she had found someone better to hang out with. C’est la vie.
• Bitched and complained with my roommate about everything we hate about our lives. Always good fun.
• Went to the Caf' for dinner. Which sucked, but that's to be expected.
• Thought about going to art walk and then decided against it because it is to frickin' cold...um, excuse me, but when is it okay for it to snow two days before easter?
• Watched The Producers which is FRICKIN' HILARIOUS! The only uncomfortable thing for me about it was that Matthew Broderick looks a lot like my dad, and I'd rather not think about my dad and Uma Thurman...
• My dad called again at the end of the movie. How's that for weird timing? Talked to me whole family, plus me mate Dana.
• Stayed up until 2am watching the first half of Anne of Green Gables.
• Went to sleep.

Now, if anyone actually read that I'll be impressed.

Don't judge me, but I'm listening to Radio Disney on iTunes.

Oh, and looking over my last (and only second) post: The Black Donnellys was cancelled. Sad. So I only got to see like 2 episodes aired on tv. o well.

My friend Jessica convinced me to convince my roommate that we should all go to the sunrise service tomorrow. So I will be getting up before the butt-crack of dawn to go to church. Shall prove interesting. Goodness knows I need some church.

Probably should find something to do that's productive and meaningful so as not to waste yet another day of my life.

Or not.