The Resolution

I'm staring down this road, this deserted and uncertain road, and I don't know where I am going. When I was little, I used to think that I would be happy to be grown up. I thought that I would go to college, get married, make a few babies, and have a happy life. But I'm thinking that now you can't follow a recipe for life.
I'm a junior in college and I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I'm single, which I have been for the last [almost] 21 years, and I'm not happy about that. I thought that I would at least be in a relationship now. I've been on a few dates, but all those guys are now married or in serious relationships with other girls. Girls who are my friends. And those dates? Just a long sting of first-dates. I never made seconds.
About two minutes ago I was watching Mona Lisa Smile with my roommate, and maybe that's why I'm writing all this now. I don't want to be "that woman," the woman my grandmother seems to think I am supposed to be. I don't want to be a housewife. Not now. But I do want to know that somewhere down this road there is someone who will get me. Someone who will understand me. Not necessarily "complete me," because I don't think that's possible, but someone who will pull out of me the person that I really am. Someone who can see through my bull and see past it as well.
And who I am really? Just when I think I've found her, I lose my grip and she falls back into the shadows. And I'm scared that I'll fail her.
What do I want to do with my life? I want to write! I want to put pen to paper and create characters that people can relate to. I don't want to preach, but I do want to tell. I want to tell the world how people really are. I want people to find God through my words, without putting them off because of their preconceived notions of Christians.
I want to matter.
I say this all the time, this "Carpe Diem" and "I-want-to-make-a-difference" talk, but I never feel like it happens. I'm not a doer, and that's my problem.
I know it's late for New Year's Resolutions but I don't care. I resolve to become a doer. I resolve to take charge of my life. I resolve not to worry about my vague future, and not to hide behind my poisoned past. I resolve to live.