"I cannot live without books" (Thomas Jefferson)

5 guilty pleasures:

• Myspace.com
• black nailpolish
• chips, salsa, and sour cream
• my iPod
• books, books, oh and did I mention books?

5 books I want to read:

• Don Quixote, Miguel de Cervantes
• Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk, by Legs McNeil and Gillian McCain
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, by JK Rowling
• Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality, Donald Miller
• Jude the Obscure, Thomas Hardy

5 fears:

• Heights
• Failure
• Actually, that’s about it.

5 favorite places I’ve been in the world:

• London
• Sri Lanka
• Morocco
• Budapest
• Germany

5 places I want to go:

• San Francisco
• Venice…heck, anywhere in Italy
• Australia
• Chicago
• Chile

5 books that changed my life:

• Tomorrow When the War Began, John Marsden
• The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne
• The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, CS Lewis
• Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
• Преступление и наказание or Crime and Punishment, Fyoder Dostoevsky

You kiss me like an overdramatic actor/Who's starving for work

Currently listening to: The Academy Is, "Slow Down."

No, I did not watch Larry King last night, and no, I'm not even going to say her name. She doesn't deserve it.

America doesn't need a monarchy. We've got "celebutantes."

I mean, seriously, I've been on the edge of my seat, biting my nails, and wondering if little Miss "That's Hot" would survive her tragic ordeal. Heaven help us, she's just so pretty! She didn't deserve to be in jail.

Please note the sarcasm.

CAN THE MEDIA PLEASE GO BACK TO REPORTING REAL AND RELEVANT NEWS? I AM SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT HOW SOME SPOILED RICH BITCH SPENT HER TIME IN JAIL!

Pardon my French.

This is the reason why I decided I would never ever be a journalist. I have way too much respect for myself to spend my time chasing after the rich and famous.

And honestly, what on earth has she ever done to earn her fame except BREATHE? She can't sing, she can't act.

That's it. I'm done.


You won the role, you've played your part
You've been cordially invited
But I'm not impressed
And I'm definately not excited
Cause the film runs a shallow budget
And the writer's subject script isn't any deeper
So dive right in

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
Hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them. I won't buy in...

...I regret everything that I said
To ever make her feel like she was something special
Or that she ever really mattered
Or did she ever really matter?

Time Stands Still.

3 and 1/2 more weeks.

26 more days.

624 more hours.

37440 more minutes.

2246400 more seconds.

(I think I did the math right. Whatever, I'm an English major.)

Yes, I am counting down the days until I can go overseas.

yay! do a little happy dance and shake yo' booty!

I got my new passport today.

I also finished watching the entire season of "Heroes" about 30 minutes ago. Can I just say that Milo Ventimiglia ["Peter Patrelli"] totally rocks the pissed-off, emo look way more then Tobey Maguire ever could in Spiderman 3? Hotness.

Thank God for websites like alluc.org.

But the real news is that I've got my passport and now all I have to do is send it off to DC for my VISA and I'll be done!

I'm going!

Natural Bridge, VA

It was cloudy, overcast. We descended down concrete stairs engulfed by the little of nature that the gift shop and tourist stop had not yet encroached upon.

It was warm but surprisingly not the typical hot June weather one expected in Virginia.

We talked. It was nice to be together, just the two of us. It seemed a little out of the ordinary. Usually we were accompanied by a relative or we were shopping and surrounded by strangers and strange people, but something about where we were, outside and "one with nature," seemed to make the world stop. And we were alone, though dozens of others passed us by armed with cameras and water bottles and herding children away from danger.

At the end of the stairs sat a pimply-faced boy in a blue polo shirt who took our tickets and pointed us in the direction of a small path by what appeared to be a stagnate river. We began to walk towards our destination.

I saw it first but my brain did not comprehend what was in front of me until we rounded the corner and were directly upon it.

It was big. Huge. Beautiful.

I was stunned. I had seen pictures of it before, of course. I had heard about this place ever since elementary school when I had studied every year the history of our state.

But I was completely unprepared for how perfect it was. A sign to the left spoke of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson and I thought about what they had first thought upon seeing this bridge. I thought about the Native Americans who considered the place sacred. I wondered at the blasphemous fact that Thomas Jefferson had purchased such a place from King George for less than $3. It was unreal that any man could own it.

We walked under it and through it, stopping to watch the fish that swam in the now flowing freely river. We saw names carved into the old stone, and I read "Emily Stevenson" and wondered who she was and were she was and if she was still alive. Across the water on the other side was a small square carved into the stone in which I could just barely make out other carved letters and I realized that this must be were legend meets the real world. This was the spot that they said that George Washington had carved his initials just as one might carve one's name into the bark of tree.

We continued down on the path, exploring and meeting others who were as enthralled as us at what we had seen. There was a cave that was slightly boring since we could not go in, and down the trail there was supposed to be waterfalls, but she wanted to go back. Her foot was hurting and the others were waiting on us. It had been almost an hour since we had begun this little exploration.

I didn't complain but walked back with her the way we came. We moved quicker now, having seen everything already. Then it appeared again, and again we stopped and took a minute and breathed in. The sun was out now, and it was hotter. Muggier. On the other side where the water was still there was a slight musty smell. We passed through and under once again and I heard a man in costume telling some children about George and Thomas and the Indians, pointing at the initials "G.W." on the rock and I smiled.

We were back at the stairs and the pimply boy was waving goodbye. I took one last look back and thought, "How could anyone ever think that there is no Creator masterminding all of this beauty around us?"

And then I turned, and followed my grandmother back to the parking lot.

Today I saw the Natural Bridge.

Quick flashback to middle school dramatic self.

Currently listening to: Rogue Wave's "Eyes"

Random, selfish, emo thought that came to mind today:

I disappoint myself.

My New Favorite Song

Lifehouse, "Storm"





How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I could see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

Nobody reads this yet I still write.

Currently listening to: Bright Eyes, "Landlocked Blues"

I've been writing lately.

I started writing a short story this past March. Just a little something to relieve some tension from classes and papers and midterms. I honestly didn't think that I would continue it. I didn't really like my story idea. In fact, I had planned on majorly changing it if I kept working on it. Yet I haven't. I simply want to finish it, and recently I've had the idea of writing a second story to go with it. Not necessarily a "sequel," but a short story somehow connected to the first. And then I thought about writing a third that had a connection to the first two but was ultimately its own story as well. And before I knew it, I had an idea of making a small collection of short stories.

I doubt I would ever publish it. I highly doubt I will even complete all the stories that I have now outlined.

But I continue working on it. I love writing. It's like working out a sudoku puzzle. You have an idea for a plot, but within the plot certain elements have to fit together in their own little square. Then, you have to make sure that each square matches up with the other squares. Then the rows have to match up, and the columns have to match up. And only when they do are you done.

So I've been working on this "puzzle" since March. Yesterday, I got my hands on a copy of John Grisham's A Time to Kill and for some reason I decided to read the author's note at the beginning. In the note, Grisham admits that when he first began writing A Time to Kill, (his first novel), that his goal "was simply to complete it." When he finally published it three years later, it sold a few copies and then was pretty much ignored until the success of his second book, The Firm, after which A Time to Kill was released in paperback.

I love the fact that Grisham wrote like it was a hobby. Now, he writes at least one novel a year. Will I ever become an author like that? I have no idea. I honestly don't know if I'd want to. Would I like to be published someday? Yes, most definitely. Will this story I'm working on be my first novel? I highly doubt it.

But I'm still writing it.

It's about a lifestyle I have no experience in and most likely never will. It's about people that I do not know much about. Those two admissions make me pause whenever I work on my story because I realize my limitations. There's only so much one can research. Yet the basic story, or what the original basic story in my heart was, is a very thinly veiled autobiography. There's so much of my self in this little story and that would probably surprise most of you were I to let you read it now. But it's a part of me and it's special.

So I'm still writing.

To Claire's we go

When I was about ten years old I got my ears pierced.

My little sister, who would have been about 7 or 8, desperately wanted her ears pierced and had been begging my mother to let her. My mom finally caved and we went to this little jewelry shop at the mall. My sister, upon arriving, got very quiet and could only stare at the others getting their ears pierced before her. When it was her turn, Grace refused to get in the chair. My mother and I were incredibly frustrated. We both knew that if Grace did not get her ears pierced that day she would be forever asking once we got home.

So I decided to do the loving, noble thing, and I told my sister that I would get my ears pierced first so that she could see that it didn't hurt. I got up in the chair, the woman stuck the gun next to my ear lobe, and 1-2-snap, my ears were pierced.

But when I was done, my sister still refused to get her ears done. I was furious because I personally did not want my ears pierced. It was at that stage in my life when I hated fashion and shopping and anything all together girly. I felt as though I had sacrificed something precious by getting my ears pierced, and that Grace was betraying me by not doing her part.

About a year or so later, my ears got very badly infected. I had not taken good care of them, had not cleaned them properly or turned them or anything like that. It got so bad that I was forced to take them out and everyday my dad would take a cotton ball and squeeze all the blood and pus out of my ear lobes and swab the with medicine until they eventually healed. To this day, if anyone reaches for my ears I jerk away.

However, once you lose something you realize how badly you want it. Once I was forced to get rid of my earrings I realized how much I wanted them. Ever since then I have wanted to get my ears re-pierced, but never have.

Today, 11 years after I first had them done, I went to Claire's and got my ears pierced.


I am very happy with them. {My right side is my "good side." I'm also listening to the tunes of Fall Out Boy and wearing my New Zealand t-shirt that's like 5 sizes too big on me but oh-so-comfy.}

In other news, Ruth Graham died today. Right as I was leaving the mall, 5 PM. She will be missed.

as i lay dying in kensington gardens

Today is my grandmother's 64th birthday. It is also the Olsen Twins' 21st birthday. Go birthdays.

Anyways, today I rode the trolley into town and shopped at the thrift/antique shops. Thought about buying an old copy of "Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens" but opted for William Faulkner's "As I Lay Dying" instead.

I decided something today: I live vicariously through the lives of other people and I hate it.

I'll just leave it at that.

Well, actually, no, I won't. I'll add this: I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I feel like I'm a 14-year-old girl stuck in the body of a 21-year old who is expected to behave like a 45-year-old woman. I feel incredibly lost and alone. I don't feel old enough or experienced enough to be the actual age that I am, but I also feel like people expect me to be so old. They expect me to think older, look older, dress older...I hate it! I just want to be my age but it's like I can't even tell you what my age is.

What's my age again? ha.

Shoot, here I go all emo-depressing, stressing on this blog. Sorry.

expedited

Currently listening to: The Academy Is... "Neighbors"

I'm going overseas. yep yep, found out on Friday that I could, started filling out an application for a VISA only to realize...MY PASSPORT IS MISSING. Wha? How'd that happen? I can clearly remember holding it in my hand in my dorm room as I was packing, thinking "remember to take this home with you JUST IN CASE YOU NEED IT."

Then it gets cloudy, cuz I feel like I remember seeing it here in VA...but it's not here now.

So...

I have now officially reported my passport as missing, I have applied for a new one, and I have "expedited" it, which sounds official but really means nothing more than "pay more money to possibly get a new passport anywhere between 1 to 4 weeks. If I get my new passport back in 1 week, amazing. 2 weeks, still good. 3 weeks, we're pushing it. 4 weeks...well, let's just say I'll have spent my summer sitting on my a**.

Supposedly my application will be mailed today overnight express first to Philly, then to New Orleans, then back here. Once I get it I can sent it to TDS and hopefully get my VISA in 5 days. This is going to be crazy waiting for this stuff.

If everything is late, well, at least my tickets are refundable...to an extent. I can change them for $200. If I did that, then I might go overseas for Christmas or save the tickets for next summer.

Yes, I have tickets. We went on ahead and bought them. Smart? maybe not. I arrive back stateside with just one week to get over jet lag and pack up my room here to move back to good ol' Misery for school.

Honestly, I haven't felt stable or at peace or whatever you want to call it since before Christmas.
I hate this type of living. I don't mind it when I have control over where I'm moving...but this constant moving between dorm and grandparents' home is just so annoying.

So there's my update.

well, i'll be blowed!

Currently listening to: Paramore, "RIOT!" Now streaming on FBR+.

You like my free publicity? =)

So today I went out to eat with my grandparents and my great-aunts...and their live-in bfs. I have a very interesting family.

They're actually still here, but I got a little bored with their discussion on the dangers of myspace, gun control, and VA Tech.

Anyways, we went to this awesome little restaurant for lunch at the train station. watched the freight trains go by. that was cool. rode the trolley around town. it was nice.

After lunch we walked around the town and came to this shop where they make these beautiful glass objects (vases, hummingbird feeders, marbles, all sorts of stuff). Everything is hand-blown glass. (pardon my perversion, but does that sound just a little dirty to anyone else?).

It was so cool to go back there and watch the guy make all these beautiful things using hot, liquid glass. all he did was manipulate the temperature of the glass and tap it a couple of times and he was able to make these works of art. it was crazy. isn't amazing what people can do? i think i was having a very existential moment watching it.

So let's dig deep for a second:

What if all of this--college, life goals and dreams--what if it's not what you want? I mean, more than anything else in the world I want to be a published author. but what if I can't be? what if no one reads anything i've ever written? what if i am supposed to be a--a doctor? or a lawyer? or a housewife? and i've spent all this time, energy, and money grasping onto fool's gold? what if instead of dreaming about winning the newberry i should be dreaming about being a glass-blower?

I mean, when I was like 10 all I wanted in the world was to be a singer like whitney houston. in middle school i wanted to be an actress. and in high school i was absolutely positive that i was going to be an academy-award-winning director.

now I'm about to be a senior in college. i've had so many opportunities in these past 3 years to change my major, but to do so now would mean more of my time and money going to college. I’m scared to death about life after graduation. (I know I keep talking about this and it’s getting old and boring, but what the heck. I only know of 2 people who read this.)

Who ever said that you can plan out life? With all the twists and turns and loopholes its never what you expected or hoped for.

I think that’s why I am so concerned about my sister and brother’s futures. They are both so blessed with talents in music and art, and I really want them to use them. I mean, I don’t really expect my sister to one day be on the cover of the Rolling Stones, but if she wanted that I would support her. I think she could do it if she really wanted to. I just don’t want her to settle for anything. I don’t want her to think that such dreams are silly or too high or not “Christian” enough.

And my brother—I just don’t want him to ever think that he can’t do anything. He is so talented, but he doesn’t do that well in school. I hate for him to think that school is the only thing that matters because you know what? It doesn’t. now I’m not saying everyone should drop out of high school or anything like that. What I’m saying is that high school can only help you so far. If you can do well enough to get into uni, you can eventually study the things you are good at. You’re tested differently in college than in hs, you know? I think my brother gets so worried that he can’t do as well as he is expected, (frankly I am just a little more than pissed at his school about some of the ways that they are working with him), and that because he might get C’s and B’s means that he’s not as intellectual.

Because my brother is by far the nicest, most humble, polite and smart person I know. He is so talented in art and in how things work. I think for him he speaks most eloquently with his hands. My sis speaks her mind the most thru music. I’m better with a pen.

Of course, all these fears that I have for my sister and brother probably stem from my own doubts and insecurities. I’m sure a psychiatrist would agree with me.

God, I hate being 21. I already hate being a senior.

Life would be so much easier if i was someone like paris hilton...oh, wait, maybe not...

and i do regret more than i admit

The Academy Is..., "Everything We Had"


You were the only face I'd ever known.
I was the light from the lamp on the floor,
and only as bright as you wanted me to be.
But, I am no gentleman, I can be a prick,
and I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist.


Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had is no longer there.


It was the only place I'd never known.
Turned off the light on my way out the door.
I will be watching wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.
You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist.


Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had is no longer there, longer there.


You saw for yourself, the way it played out.
For you, I am blinded.
For you, I am blinded, for you.


I am no gentleman, I can be a prick.
And I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exists.


Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had.
Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had...


I'll be with you wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.

southern weather

guess what i did today? that's right, i went with my g-parents to the cemetery to buy their grave plots. exciting? not so much. :) but it was certainly an interesting experience.

i also went to wally-world and bought the academy is...'s "santi" and the almost's "southern weather." been listening to them since dinner and they're incredible.

speakin' of southern weather, it's been schizophrenic lately. usually beautiful, sunny, and hot during the day, with cool thunderstorms at night. we've had so much rain recently our basement flooded. fun.

but even tho it's annoying and the dog goes crazy every time the thunder sounds, southern weather does make for some beautiful pictures.
case in point, I just shot these from my front porch about 5 minutes ago:

i got some interesting news today that i hope really comes about. i won't say anything at the moment in case i can't do it, but it involves traveling to distant lands and long plane rides and longer layovers in strange airports...

not much else to say. paris is back in jail, thank god. drama drama drama!

i've been reading james lately. i'm rather proud of myself. i'm not one to remember to do my daily devos.

i've also been writing. at the moment, i'm working on a story that i started this past march. i'm thinking about writing a couple short stories; i've got quite a few ideas. but what i put on paper never reads like the story in my head. i'd love to get published, but i'm too pessimistic. even tho that's my life dream and what i've been aiming for since i started college.

geeze, i wish i was a wealthy heiress who never had to work. i could make a cd and people would actually buy it even tho i can't sing to save myself!

Playing on my myspace at the moment:

"Amazing Because It Is," by The Almost

I was so scared of everything you put in front of me
I've been marching to every part of me
Just to see
See
Why you need me to be
The boy you need me to be

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
And now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

I just wanna see

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive
I'm the type of guy that's in drive
Cause I'm addicted, I'm needy I'm lost without you I need you
I need you

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace (amazing grace)
How sweet the sound (how sweet)
That saves a wretch like me (that saved a wretch like me)
I once was lost
But now I'm found (you know I'm found)
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace (you're amazing)
How sweet the sound (you're amazing)
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost (it feels so bad when you're lost and alone)
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

I'm 21.

It doesn't seem real to be 21 years old. I don't feel ready. It seems like I was just getting used to being 18 and suddenly here I am, twenty-freaking-one.

It might sound very selfish, but I didn't think anyone was going to remember my birthday. I mean, my closest friends are 2 hours away, my immediate family is halfway around the world, and the family I live with--well, they don't get much into celebrating birthdays. They'd rather give you some money and be in bed by 9.

However, when I woke up on Monday morning, I got to my computer and discovered multiple emails from people all around the world, (in fact, the first one I read was from Australia), wishing me a happy birthday. It seems that my parents decided to have some fun and emailed everyone they knew, asking them to email me a birthday message. Most sent pictures with signs that read "Happy birthday Emily." My parents even went to church and my old school with such a sign and took pictures of people to send to me.

Then, there was facebook.com. Last year for my birthday I had expected all these happy birthday wishes on my facebook wall but no one did. I think only 3 people outside of my family remembered my birthday on their own. So, after that sad day, I really didn't expect to have any comments on my facebook. Again, I was wrong.

I'm not saying this to brag or anything. I was quite honestly overwhelmed and humbled by all the people that just took the time to say "Happy birthday." I even cried!

Then, that night my grandparents and I went out for dinner and my two friends Anna and Peter showed up as a surprise! We had dinner and then went home for ice cream and cake.

It was probably one of my best birthdays.

Unfortunately, the day after my birthday I got some strange news that I don't feel comfortable sharing with the world at the moment. Suffice to say, my week was slightly darkened and I've been living in a strange mood since then. The sad thing is that it seems like my 21st birthday has now been rubbed in my face. It's like, "Haha, you really are an adult now! Let's attack you with this crap and watch as you squirm and wish you were still a kid! Muahahaha!"

[I'm listening to The Academy Is...'s "The Phrase that Pays" and it just seems to fit so perfectly with my mood lately.]

But I'm not going to think about that because I am going to party this Monday! WHOOHOO! Who has tickets to see not 1, not 2, but 5 bands? I DO!!!

Yes, Monday night I shall be rocking out to the live tunes of some of my favorite bands [The Academy Is..., +44, and FALL OUT BOY!!! to name a few]. I'm going with Anna and it is going to be so much fun!

And then I'll deal with my crazy life.

In the infamous words of Scarlet O'Hara:
"I won't think about that today; I'll think about it tomorrow."

Real mature and responsible of me, wouldn't you say?