well, i'll be blowed!

Currently listening to: Paramore, "RIOT!" Now streaming on FBR+.

You like my free publicity? =)

So today I went out to eat with my grandparents and my great-aunts...and their live-in bfs. I have a very interesting family.

They're actually still here, but I got a little bored with their discussion on the dangers of myspace, gun control, and VA Tech.

Anyways, we went to this awesome little restaurant for lunch at the train station. watched the freight trains go by. that was cool. rode the trolley around town. it was nice.

After lunch we walked around the town and came to this shop where they make these beautiful glass objects (vases, hummingbird feeders, marbles, all sorts of stuff). Everything is hand-blown glass. (pardon my perversion, but does that sound just a little dirty to anyone else?).

It was so cool to go back there and watch the guy make all these beautiful things using hot, liquid glass. all he did was manipulate the temperature of the glass and tap it a couple of times and he was able to make these works of art. it was crazy. isn't amazing what people can do? i think i was having a very existential moment watching it.

So let's dig deep for a second:

What if all of this--college, life goals and dreams--what if it's not what you want? I mean, more than anything else in the world I want to be a published author. but what if I can't be? what if no one reads anything i've ever written? what if i am supposed to be a--a doctor? or a lawyer? or a housewife? and i've spent all this time, energy, and money grasping onto fool's gold? what if instead of dreaming about winning the newberry i should be dreaming about being a glass-blower?

I mean, when I was like 10 all I wanted in the world was to be a singer like whitney houston. in middle school i wanted to be an actress. and in high school i was absolutely positive that i was going to be an academy-award-winning director.

now I'm about to be a senior in college. i've had so many opportunities in these past 3 years to change my major, but to do so now would mean more of my time and money going to college. I’m scared to death about life after graduation. (I know I keep talking about this and it’s getting old and boring, but what the heck. I only know of 2 people who read this.)

Who ever said that you can plan out life? With all the twists and turns and loopholes its never what you expected or hoped for.

I think that’s why I am so concerned about my sister and brother’s futures. They are both so blessed with talents in music and art, and I really want them to use them. I mean, I don’t really expect my sister to one day be on the cover of the Rolling Stones, but if she wanted that I would support her. I think she could do it if she really wanted to. I just don’t want her to settle for anything. I don’t want her to think that such dreams are silly or too high or not “Christian” enough.

And my brother—I just don’t want him to ever think that he can’t do anything. He is so talented, but he doesn’t do that well in school. I hate for him to think that school is the only thing that matters because you know what? It doesn’t. now I’m not saying everyone should drop out of high school or anything like that. What I’m saying is that high school can only help you so far. If you can do well enough to get into uni, you can eventually study the things you are good at. You’re tested differently in college than in hs, you know? I think my brother gets so worried that he can’t do as well as he is expected, (frankly I am just a little more than pissed at his school about some of the ways that they are working with him), and that because he might get C’s and B’s means that he’s not as intellectual.

Because my brother is by far the nicest, most humble, polite and smart person I know. He is so talented in art and in how things work. I think for him he speaks most eloquently with his hands. My sis speaks her mind the most thru music. I’m better with a pen.

Of course, all these fears that I have for my sister and brother probably stem from my own doubts and insecurities. I’m sure a psychiatrist would agree with me.

God, I hate being 21. I already hate being a senior.

Life would be so much easier if i was someone like paris hilton...oh, wait, maybe not...